


until one day i've had enough (of this exercise in trust)

by qaracosmos



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hana just wants to win everything, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, yes theres a happy ending dont worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-03-29 11:58:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13926687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qaracosmos/pseuds/qaracosmos
Summary: “I woke up from the same dream, falling backwards, falling backwards, ‘till one day it turned me inside out.” — Pluto (Sleeping at Last)—Hana Song has trusted herself enough to constantly win. I mean, it was in her nature, right? Hana "D.Va" Song, number one gamer in the world! There's no way she can lose,right?She can't bring herself to lose either! That's just weak and petty,and she was anything but weak and petty,r i g h t?





	until one day i've had enough (of this exercise in trust)

**Author's Note:**

> dva isnt just a dorrito eating gremlin ok
> 
> at least thats what i told myself b4 i wrote this and rewrote it for about 6 months now :^))
> 
> i think its because i havent written in months b4 i wrote this back in august so im kind of rusty
> 
> if the title's too long for you, you can just call it what i first called it:
> 
>  
> 
> **hana is sad**
> 
>  
> 
> enjoy!!

She always wins.

 

Whether it’s a simple game of rock-paper-scissors or winning a bet she’s made with either Genji or McCree, she’s _always_ won. No matter what kind of bets they would make up (whatever they were), Hana Song found it a must to actually win them. The same way she always would find a way to win in rock-paper-scissors no matter how much McCree declares "’is a gun," and somehow it beat both paper and scissors, or no matter how much Genji _insists_ that Hanzo’ll sit on the chair with the whoopee cushion, and he somehow never actually did.

She would find herself in her own room, playing whatever games her fans would suggest to her (sometimes it would be as dumb as Monopoly considering she already plays that with McCree) as she continued to stream it live, chugging down endless amounts of chips and drinks (even though Angela told her not to). Whether it were the games she excelled at, or if it were something as old school as Pac-Man or Super Mario Bros., and no matter how hard the game could get she would win.

"Blizzard games? That’s so old-school!" She would joke to her fans, mockingly rolling her eyes as she yet then continued to play StarCraft II, and win. Whenever a few of her close friends decided to play with her, she would easily dominate. Even then it would still be fun, and Hana longed for a anything fun.

Occasionally, Hana and Genji would bet on whether they can prank Jack Morrison, it has ranged from turning his coffee into solid cold ice, or to taking his visor away from him. A majority of the time Jack caught them, which would then later require the duo to run away (this mostly consisted of Genji pulling on Hana’s hand, and laughing together by the wall when they escape). Unfortunately for the duo, this all ended in Angela scolding them like the mother she was.  


When the night hits, and everyone heads off to a nice warm sleep (it was more of a nap, really, nobody found it possible to have a 9 hour sleep), people who would wake up to grab food in the middle of the night have seen Hana awake, back on her chair speaking in Korean (she was probably streaming to her Korean fans due to timezones), tapping quickly on her keyboard and mouse, her eyes darting alongside her head, her hands ocassionally moving towards her drink and she takes a quick chug out of it, and continues her gaming.

When the sun rises, and everyone is heading off to eat breakfast in the dining area, you wouldn’t usually see her there and all you’d see left of Hana is an uncleaned bowl of cereal with the spoon somewhere in the sink, as well as the drinks and chips from the previous nights somewhere near the trash can (near it, it was never in it).

"Hana, may I come in?"

She heard and her head jerks from her monitor to the door a few feet away from her. She heard such an ethereal voice, there was no mistaking who it could possibly be. Taking her headset off, she then responded back, "Sure thing!"

Light footsteps entered the messy room as the sound of her heels clicked against the floor that belonged to Hana Song, the angel herself would attempt to find her way through the mess she’s left on the floor, and she then spoke, "Hana, I have a question." Hana raised a brow at Angela, and turned her chair to face her, 

"Shoot away."

"What time have you been sleeping lately?"

She flinched, and whether the other noticed it or not, Angela said nothing. Hana’s eyes averted it’s gaze elsewhere, so long as it wasn’t the beauty in front of her ever so subtly, and she replied, "Midnight? Give or take?" her eyes found them back at the grey orbs that stared back at her just as she spoke.

"I’m worried that you’re not getting enough sleep, Hana—"

"I know, but—"

"—you’re still young, and you need the sleep your body needs. Sleep deprivation is bad for your health, and it can lead to death, I’m sure you’re aware?"

Hana let out a silent huff, and she softly replied, "I know." Her eyes would dart between Angela and the wall next to her, and she couldn’t see what Angela thought of that. She didn’t know how she reacted (that is, if she did).

Angela began to walk towards the door that separated the room and the hallway, and looked back, "Please get some sleep, Hana. A one hour nap will do." The other gave a small (nearly unnoticeable) nod back at her, and there she went.

 

Off she went, and she was all alone again.

—

She always wins.

 

Whether its the annual game of paintball or the small games of laser tag she plays with her friends in Overwatch, she’s _always_ won. She’s won her first game of the Overwatch Paintball ’Tournament’, and although you’d have Genji pouting (was he? he has a mask) and complaining it was just either rigged or beginner’s luck (he tended to jokingly push Hana), or have Fareeha laugh at how it could’ve just been because she must’ve played paintball before. Hana Song found ways to win. She _had_ to win. Even if Lena would sneakily walk behind her to shoot her in the back with her laser gun, she would always react faster and shoot first instead.

She would find herself ocassionally practicing by the shooting range in preparation for the time where her MEKA was unaccessible and she definitely had to improve her shooting. Her gun wasn’t a hit-scan similar to Jack’s, or McCree’s or Lena’s, but was rather a projectile similar to that of Angela’s and Hanzo’s. She didn’t particularly find it difficult after years of training with her weapons, and even then she strived to perfect the art of being able to master it.

Sometimes McCree would pass by with Hanzo, both often exchanging weapons and seeing who can land more shots with two completely different styles of weapons, and Hana would be laughing and cheering either of them on (let’s face it, she cheers more for McCree). Whoever would win often varied, on some days it could be McCree, on other days it was Hanzo.

On the nights where she wasn’t streaming, or if somehow her eyes got tired of seeing the bright light emitting from her computer, Athena would be talking to her in the shooting range. She didn’t necessarily practiced or attempted to master her weapons, but she would just sit there, and look up at the night sky that she can see from the range considering it was half open and it sat on the edge of the cliff.

"Miss Song." Athena would greet,

"Hey Athena." She greeted back, her head rested on the wall behind her as she wrapped her arms around her legs tightly.

The atmosphere would be filled briefly with silence, until Athena would then continue on,

"Doctor Ziegler has told you to sleep, did she not?" Her voice was hollow, and nearly monotonous had it not been for Winston’s capabilities in programming in order for Athena to feel a little bit more human than she actually really is (it sometimes scared Hana at 2 AM).

"Mhm," she buried her face in the sleeves of her jacket, and closed her eyes for a few, "I just don’t really feel like sleeping, y’know?"

If Athena were a person, Hana assumed she would probably give a small, soft sigh at this, similar to how both Angela and Ana would do to any member of Overwatch, as the A.I then continued, "Sleep deprivation is—"

"—bad for your health, and it can lead to death. I know, I was listening to her earlier."

"If you don’t mind me asking, why do you not wish to sleep?"

A question she had not expected from a computer, but nevertheless, Hana gave a response, "And how do I know you won’t be sending this to Winston?" she looked up from her sleeves, wiping the corners of her eyes with the cuffs of her jacket, and let out an almost humorless laugh.

"I am willing to keep this as a private and classified conversation, Winston will not be seeing the surveillance files for this night."

Hana paused, hesitating before choosing, "No thanks, I think I’m good," she decided, "Don’t worry much about me though, life’s a game, I can beat it."

"Very well, Miss Song. Would you like me to play a song?"

( _was that a play on words?_ )

Her eyes lit up like the fireworks on New Year, and a genuine smile replaced the fake one that she’s been carrying this early morning, and she replied, "Absolutely. Go play one of Lucio’s songs for me, alright?"

The shooting range was then filled with the soothing embrace as Hana closed her eyes, letting the music dance a waltz in her head, the song whispering sweet nothings into her ear, and the feeling of the wind embracing her warmly.

 

It was almost as if someone was hugging her.

—

She always wins.

 

Whether its playing 16-Bit-Hero with Genji and Lena or challenging both McCree and Lucio in Fighters of the Storm, she’s _always_ won. Despite the variety in games, Hana Song was excellently skilled in multiple– after all, she was a professional gamer back in her day, until she gave up her career to protect South Korea alongside a few of her friends that were recruited as well. She had to find ways to win, she _had_ to win. With many years of experience up her sleeve, there were a high expectations held for her, and she would then have to try very hard (sometimes she doesn’t need to try) in order to continue to meet those expectations everyone had for her when it had to do with something game related.

She often found herself outside of Gibraltar, hanging around with her closest friends in Overwatch in the arcades located nearby, challenging each other and see who would beat who. There would be girls who would recognize Hana, asking for her autograph or for a picture of her with them. She learned after the first encounter to have some form of disguise. It wouldn’t be very wise to have a crowd of paparazzi following them, simply because they all just wanted to go to play in an arcade.

"Hey that’s no fair!"

Sometimes she would hear Lena joke at Genji that memorized the cheat codes for Fighters of the Storm, and she would then give a muffled laugh coming from his mask. Hana rolled her eyes jokingly, "Hey now, Genji, cheaters are losers," and formed an ’L’ with her hand and placed it on her forehead, sticking a tongue out and bending lower as if to mock him. He let out a pained gasp, "You wound me!" 

"You’re still a loser until you can beat me without cheating!" 

"I can beat you without cheating, Hana!" 

"Oh yeah?! Go ahead, Xbox!"

On the few days where she was by herself (mostly because the others would be off on their missions), she hung around the Arcade alone. That wouldn’t stop her from playing the games she was skilled at in her childhood. This was simply just another opportunity to become better, and better, and better at the games. There was no way (in hell) would she want Genji to beat her, even if he chooses to cheat.

She would spend the entire night sneaking into the arcade, and made sure the surveillance cameras wouldn’t spot her (she’s D.Va after all), endlessly practicing and attempting to master the games that were within the area. To learn the secrets of the games, the hidden combos that no one knew about, the nearly unaccessible vantage points and the combos of the enemies. She had to know them all.

"C’mon D.Va, you can do it!"

She told herself in order to motivate herself— to keep her going no matter how tiring it got, or how straining it got, or even how sleepy and drowsy she was— she had to keep going. If she was meant to be the number one player around here, why would she just settle for less? Why not be someone good enough, so that one day perhaps, the whole world would see her as someone good enough? Why not just _try_ to be someone good enough?

(she was never really good enough)

So off she went. Drowning herself in the light of the arcade machines that were plugged in, in the sounds of the games that often held the 16-bit chiptune to it, in the sounds of her fingers quickly tapping the buttons, and the sound of the joystick moving from one direction to another. Drowning herself in the feeling of constantly adding in more tokens into the game in order to continue her journey— her training, and drowning herself in her thoughts of being the best.

 

Of being number one.

—

She always wins.

 

Whether its winning other’s affections, or winning someone’s heart, and although it may seem unintentional, she still somehow always wins. She _has_ to win. As Hana Song was a professional female gamer— and the number one StarCraft II player, naturally, she gained fans and won their affection and is the leading factor as to why she does the things she does. And sooner or later, she _had_ to find ways to keep their affection for her— to continue to win their affections. 

She’s learned to pay attention to the details of these affections— whether it came from the slightest shoulder touches she’s had from Genji, or the different gestures he made towards her in comparison to the others on the team, ranging from Lucio choosing to make music for Hana, or to McCree actually acting like a father to her for once; they were all forms of affections (one of which she never noticed to be different).

At one point in time, her best friend introduced her to his master. To the man that had changed Genji for the better— Hana knew he would be a wise man. What she didn’t know, however, was that he was an omnic. "Greetings," he began, in such a tone she wouldn’t expect from a _robot_. Here’s the thing, Hana had nothing against omnics, but it she could never tell what they were thinking of. They never made any form of facial expression, and their tone tended to be flat and hollow. There was no way for Hana to adjust and be able to properly allow herself to know them without potentially offending them at one point. And although she had stuggled, she still seemed to be able to win his affection. This was the power of D.Va.

She once found herself by the shooting range once more, a mellow song playing in the background thanks to yours truly; Athena. Taking the can of soda from her hands up to her lips, she took a sip from it (it was sweet, awfully sweet, but she tolerated it), and looked into the distance, her other free hand holding onto the railings in order to prevent her from falling.

_(from falling too far down)_

 She heard the door slide open, as her head quickly whipped towards it, the near silent hiss of the air was released as she saw the figure walk in. _Tall, nearly stiff_ –– it was _Genji_. The man (or cyborg?) she found herself often hanging around with the most, laughing around the most, playing games with the most–– it was with the one and only Genji. "Hana," he began, making his way towards the railing that Hana had stood by, "how have you been?"

She blinked once, then twice, then _thrice_ (how _had_ she been? she can't recall). "I'm...fine, I suppose," with a little pause in between, Hana looked back into him–– into his eyes (but she could never tell if she actually was), "how about you, Genji?" "I would be lying if I said I was alright (lol)."

She blinked again, "What's wrong?" she lowered the hand that had held the soda to her lips, turning her body towards him as if she were opening up to him, "Anything I can help with?" In a situation like this, perhaps if she could see through him, Genji would've been blinking as she then heard nothing but a pause.

"There's this...girl," _a girl?_ "And I like her, but I get this feeling that she wouldn't reciprocate them." He likes her? But she _won't_ reciprocate the feelings? (yeah, she's totally never heard this story. _totally_ ) Was he talking about who she thought of?

"I don't know what I should do." 

"You know, Genji, I would normally tell you to 'follow your heart' but uh—"

"That would be _ableist_ , Hana."

"I know! That's the thing! Like I get that you probably still have a half but like—! Y'know?!"

Genji laughed. She would say it seemed a little bit off, but Hana couldn't tell. She let out a sigh, "Well, if you think the girl wouldn't like you back then I guess you should...back up? Back off? I mean it probably uh, depends on the person?" A humorless laugh, "You could always spend time for yourself, and reflect. You have Zenyatta for that."

"True."

Hana assumed she was done talking, but she was no mind reader and couldn't tell whether Genji was expecting more or not. However, she closed her mouth and looked at Genji, awaiting for his response. She saw a slow, small nod, and then later on replaced with a much firmer nod, and he spoke, 

"Thank you, Hana."

She nodded in acknowledgement. He bowed in respect, and she found herself fumbling to do the same. As they rose, he began to walk towards the door, and as the motion detector sensed him, the door slid open and he looked back (he seemed sad).

Then he went off.

The sun had set, and Hana had sat around the dining table, once again, by herself. She didn’t want to eat just immediately after her _best friend_ indirectly confessed, as she knew he would be hanging around there considering Zenyatta would be there, meeting everyone left on the team. She didn’t want to bother Genji after what just happened.

(realistically, Hana ate at 9 PM instead of the supposed 6 PM. they really liked eating long meals (I’m looking at you Reinhardt))

There wasn’t much food left for her to eat, so she went to go grab a cup of instant noodles, and followed the instructions. Open halfway, pour really hot water, wait for it to settle and cool, then begin eating. She grabbed her own pair of chopsticks (the ever so beautiful pink bunny shaped chopsticks), and headed back out to the range.

Instead of sitting by the wall like she normally would a night, she walked up the stairs and sat on the edge of the roof, and watched the moon rise. Hana left the noodles next to her, and waited for it to cool down, placing the chopsticks atop the lid. Was winter hitting? She hasn’t kept track of the seasons, and she wasn’t sure if it was still autumn or not. Well, guess she’d have to ask.

"Hey Athena?" She called out to the A.I, and she waited for a response.

None. Nothing but utter silence (looks like she has to make a new friend now). Perhaps Winston was working on Athena, or maybe Athena is busy on other tasks considering she is currently incapable of multitasking (to a certain extent). Hana Song, was all alone.

She let out a heavy sigh that she seemed to have been holding for a rather long time (it might’ve been from when she was with Genji), and little puffs of air began to form. Ah, so winter was indeed hitting. Thankfully, Hana was dressed warm enough for the season, so there was no reason for her to return to her room to grab her jacket. Placing her two small hands together, she rubbed them against the palms of the other to create heat. She then placed them on the opposite sides of her arms, and held them tightly.

"I don’t know what to do," she mumbled to no one but herself. Hana genuinely hoped no one would hear, considering she a) skipped dinner, and b) is by the shooting range. Angela and Morrison would definitely be mad. She shuddered at the thought of two parents just scolding her. Wasn’t like she can help herself.

"What should I do...?" She continued, endlessly repeating as she dropped her head onto her legs as she raised them on the platform she sat on, wrapping her legs tightly with her arms, almost reminiscent of one of the nights she had here. She let out a low wail, muffled by her body. Looking up, she inhaled.

Exhaled.

 

_(what was that smell?)_

 

The noodles were cooled and ready to be eaten, and as soon as she finally took notice, Hana dropped her legs once more, and she took it in her hands, bowing her head ever so slightly, and mumbled, "잘 먹겠습니다." and began to eat her only dinner.

A warm sensation filled her inside and out, in contrast to the ever so cold weather that had surrounded the entire range. The taste of the noodles— although artificial— was good enough for Hana to appreciate. Slurping in the soup, which had a balance of the soup and the noodles. For a second, the taste seemed real. Then she realized it was instant noodles.

Hana would take a few breaks from eating, looking up at the stars that laid out for the whole world to see, the dark blue sky that allowed the stars and the moon to shine brightly, they reminded her of someone.

 

_(she shook her head)_

 

She doesn’t want to think about it. Not now, not ever. Now was never a good time, and later would never too be a good time. Too bad for her it was in her thoughts, and she remembered. It has always been there in her thoughts, in her mind, in her memories, but Hana has never enjoyed having to touch the thought once more.

They reminded her of the friends she had, the friends who were in the shadows that allowed Hana Song to shine brightly— to shine like the stars in the sky, and the moon that completed everything. But there would always be the clouds that would block her out, and hide her from the world. But that was okay. 

She kept eating, until there were no more. She kept tasting, until there was no more. She kept slurping, until there was no more. Until there was no more, she kept going. And sooner or later, there was no more. The cup was now more than empty _(just like her)_ , and there was nothing left for her.

 

"I’m so tired..."

—

She always wins.

 

She always wins.

 

_She’ll always win._

 

She’ll always win, because that’s just who she was. Life was a game to beat, and she strived to win in life. To win in whatever that may be, whether it seems as foolish and dumb (as the expected mentality for Hana) as winning in monopoly because she made McCree bankrupt on Park Place, or whether it was as powerful and painful (as the wars they never allowed Hana to participate in) as winning the number one female streamer award and as nice as that sounded, having a lot of people yelling at her to actually have a life considering she was 16 at the time wasn’t.

She always wins, because that’s what she was meant to be. She was meant for greatness, and greatness meant winning. She’ll win until Genji learns to stop cheating, until she can no longer win the paintball tournaments, until she stops overworking herself to practice playing. Until she can grow up, she’ll still win.

 

_(how immature of you)_

 

She will win everything, until she loses.

—

She once found herself wide awake in the early morning in her room. She had just finished streaming, and like every night, she was unable to sleep (insomnia). No matter how much she tried to listen to Angela, or how much Ana was threatening to sleep-dart her, she couldn’t close her eyes. She couldn’t close the eyes that held the brown orbs she owned; the brown orbs that had never looked alive, and the brown orbs that have _seen so much_.

She didn’t feel like playing, her eyes were tired enough from playing all day and all night long, she had nothing to do. (shouldn’t you sleep?) No, she doesn’t want to sleep. Not a single ounce of sleep, not a single drop of dreams she would be willing to receive on any form of day (that would mean she hasn’t slept in months).

" 배고파 ..." Hana mumbled, clutching her stomach. She needed food. She looked at the digital clock that had sat atop her desk, and it read ’03:10’. Angela was probably still awake at this time, so she knew to be careful in sneaking towards the kitchen. She didn’t know the pattern the doctor had, but she knew that ocassionally she would be in the kitchen making coffee again. Sometimes Fareeha was awake with her, telling Angela a few stories from her previous military life.

She walked with light steps— light enough for one to call them feathers, and light enough to call them dead. Her head looked around nervously (was anyone there?), and continued to make way towards her destination. She saw nothing but light– she did not expect light. So indeed, someone was there. She closed her eyes before she moved once more, praying that it weren’t Jack or Angela, and continued to walk.

She didn’t see anyone (her eyes really hurt from playing for a long time), so she ignored the thought of someone being there, and went to go open the fridge. What to eat? She wasn’t sure. She just grabbed the first thing she felt— ice cream? Whatever the flavor was, Hana clearly didn’t care. Which drawer held the spoons again? With half-lidded eyes, she attempted to find the drawer with the spoons. Her hands were hovering until she _felt_ like it were there (did she really feel anything?). Unsure, she pulled it—

"Hana?"

Her eyes snapped open. Someone _was_ here. Whoever it was, she didn’t recognize with her eyes. Whoever it was, she recognized it through their voice. It was...so warm, and caring. It felt like... _home_.

"What’re you doing here?"

"Lucio—"

Hana was unable to form words once more. It wasn’t in the guilt of being caught, but in the fact that _Lucio_ of all people saw her like this. Hair messy, deep dark eyebags underneath her eyes, literally holding a tub of ice cream that she genuinely didn’t know the flavor of, and most importantly, she looked like an idiot. She didn’t want to tell him the whole ’I don't want to sleep so I'm trying to eat to not sleep’ being the reason to why she was here. She had to divert the topic for just a bit.

"What are _you_ doing here, Lu?" 

She saw him blink once, and blink twice She saw him open his mouth, and closed them briefly. He then finally found the ability to actually speak, saying, "Got hungry in the middle of the night. You?"

"Saaaame," she replied, extending the word to be longer and to emphasize the fact that she _actually_ was hungry. It was partially true, so if anyone were to call her a liar then they would definitely be incorrect. "Hey Lu," she started, and the other looked at her, raising a brow, he replied,

"Yeah?"

"Do you uh, know where the spoons are?"

He blinked, and let out a light-hearted chuckle, "Of course I do," he went go towards the opposite side of where Hana thought the drawer was, and he pulled on the handle, "here you go," and gave a spoon to her as he held the other spoon in his own hand.

"Mind if I eat with you?" He asked, and Hana looked directly into his eyes, (warm, inviting, embracing) and she send an almost flustered look, and replied, "Not at all! Feel free to join me, Lu." He gave a smile back in response, and bowing in front of her, gesturing her to walk ahead, saying, "After you, m’lady."

Hana sent a laugh towards him, and joked, "You’ve been hanging around McCree too much, Lu." "Who’s to say you haven’t either, Hana?" "Touché."

The jokes went on and on, until they had reached Hana’s room. Placing her hand on the scanner next to the door, Lucio asked, "Got any movies?" "Uh, not much, let’s see what I have, yeah?" Unlocking the door, she entered the room with Lucio.

Mess continued to litter the room; the same way people’s life is littered with problems and dirt, the same way problems are littered with more problems, and the same way one would unintentionally litter their life and make it messy. The clock had now then said ’03:17’, in a bright red light that was in contrast to the dark room she lived in. Hana dropped the tub onto the bed alongside her spoon, and went through the mess in her room to see if she had any movies.

"Anything you’re interested in?" She asked, looking over her shoulder as she did so. Lucio let out a soft hum, pondering, and then later replying, "Nothing in particular. Surprise me." Hana laughed.

"Ah! I found something better," she perked, her head digging alongside her hands to get what she’s found. "What is it?"Lucio asked from afar, sitting comfortably on her bed while eating the ice cream they both had grabbed earlier.

Hana took out an old acoustic guitar, "Found one of the guitars I used in one of my movies," holding it proudly, she walked towards Lucio and sat next to him, and held it out for him, "thought you might want to _serenade_ me," she jokingly suggested.

Lucio was surprised, but that wouldn’t stop him, so he exchanged the ice cream for the guitar, and began tuning with a grin,"I haven’t played an acoustic guitar in so long, but I’ll try my best,"

"I’m sure you’ll do great, Lu," encouragingly, she laid down on the bed while beginning to scoop some of the ice cream. Only then Hana realized it was good ’ol mint chip ice cream (Lucio’s favorite), and simply continued to eat as Lucio continued tuning. Strumming on a string over and over, turning the knobs of the string to either tighten or loosen. It wasn’t long until it was all tuned, he began strumming a song, and she closed her eyes.

 

( _it was soothing, the song danced a waltz around her, and it whispers sweet nothings into her ear_ )

_(“Lembro-me das noites sem dormir,_

_“Das canções que ouvíamos lado a lado,_

_“Segredos e frases que então trocamos,_

_“Naquele vazio do passado,_

_“Eu sei que tudo passa…”)_

( _she then heard a whisper, but she could not hear what it had said to her_ )

 

( _then everything went black. it was dark. the cold harsh air surrounded her. there was yelling. indistinct yelling, but to her, they were distinct_ )

( _then everything went white. it was bright. the warm heat surrounded her. there was screaming. indistinct screaming, but to her, they were distinct_ )

( _who was yelling?_ )

( _who was screaming?_ )

( _it was loud._ )

 

( _she left her friends to die. to be left behind in the shadows so that hana song can rise up brighter_ )

( _she left them eternally screaming— an agonizing scream she prays she would never have to hear again_ )

( _she left her best friends under the hands of doctors who could never save them again_ )

( _she left her only family to be killed by an omnic that they could not destroy_ )

( _she left them, unable to avenge their deaths as they would forever be forgotten_ )

 

_(she couldn’t save them)_

(why can’t i breathe)

_(she wasn’t good enough)_

(im falling, falling backwards)

_(she wasn’t strong enough)_

(please stop)

_(she couldn’t—)_

 

She woke up with a jolt. She fell asleep? No, she couldn’t have. There was no way she fell asleep, she told herself _not to_ (but in the corner of her eye she sees in a bright red light ’04:21’). Her breathing is ragged, she can hear her heart beat louder than her thoughts, she can feel her hand shake, it shook harder than the ground ever shook, she can see stars, stars so bright it was blinding—

“Hana?"

Her head swerved ever so quickly to find the owner of the voice. It was warm, it was caring— it felt like home. _Lucio_. Hana looked at him with blinking eyes, as he slowly got up with concerned eyes. Eyes that were warm— eyes that were inviting— eyes that embraced her.

"You alright?"

She found herself unable to speak. Words that she wished she didn’t have to say would never come out, and words that she wished she would have to say would never come out. Choking back on small tears, and whatever began to form in her throat that made it dry, she made an attempt to speak—

"I’m fine—"

"You’re not, aren’t you?"

Dumbfounded; ever so utterly dumbfounded. She had never stopped to consider that _Lucio knew her_. She completely ignored the fact that Lucio had known her first— that Lucio was the first to be her friend in Overwatch— that Lucio was the first who spent those countless nights hanging with Hana— that Lucio was the first to _make it feel like she was home_.

Hana opened her mouth, but she closed it afterwards. There were no words she could come up with, and there were no words needed between the two. He knew. She knew. He took her in his arms (warm, inviting, embracing), and held her as if she were his (warm, caring, home). And she let go.

She let go of everything, she let herself go freely— to flow like water, she let go of the droplets that fell from her eyes, and the thought of having to win. The thought of having to be stronger— the thought that this shouldn’t affect her _but it does_. And it does very much. It hurts. _It hurts_.

"I’m sorry—" she mumbled into his arms, still choking on her words. Lucio took his hand and went through her hair, comforting her, and said, "Don’t be. You’re human too, Hana. It’s okay, _I’m here_.”

“I— I just—“ 

She wants to say something but _she just can’t_. She wants to explain everything but nothing wants to form properly— they don’t flow as easily as water, and they can’t leave the barrier in between reality and fantasy. But Lucio said nothing, as he continued to hold her gently, almost as if he were afraid she would disappear into the shadows of the room, as if he were afraid she would vanish from existence— almost as if he _didn’t want her to leave_.

And silence filled the room, the kind of silence that Hana learned to appreciate and accept as a friend, the kind of silence she never realized she needed. She’s spent so many months living in the noise of her games— in the noise of her mind— the noise in her head. The noise she just wished would go away, but like the omnic in Busan, it had no plans of leaving.

But even for just today, she had to block them out. Just this once. So letting go of Lucio, as she wiped the corner of her eyes with the cuffs of her shirt, she started, “Alright,” and he looked at her, all attention on her. This time, there were no distractions— there was no noise— there was nothing for her to worry about anymore.

“You ever get that feeling that— that maybe you _have_ to be good enough? That maybe you should just— be the best because if you don’t then—“

“— you might not be able to save them?”

Blinking back tears, she nodded, “…yeah.”

“I’ve been there,” he leaned forward, “I know what its like,” with his thumb he wiped away her tears, “to think that ‘hey, I gotta protect my people’ and the next thing you know, you’re taking on the whole world?” and looked into her eyes. And she did the same thing.

“But Hana, you don’t have to.” Lucio held her face with his own two hands, caressing them so gently as if she were a porcelain doll, so gently as if she would fall apart as she leaned closer into his touch,“you don’t have to take on the whole world alone.”

She continued to stay silent.

“You have friends by your side— you don’t have to face the battle on your own,” he gave a small saddened smile, “why be _one_ player, when you can be a whole  _team_?” “But they _died_ because I couldn’t save them—“  

She choked on her own words— stumbled on them as she loses her way; but Lucio was there to hold her hand and show her the path, “Shh, Hana,” he comforted in such a tone she thought she was sitting by a fireplace, warming up her body not just with a blanket; but with _someone_ , “its not your fault— _nothing_ is.”

“Just because you couldn’t save them doesn’t mean they’re _dead_ ,” he held onto her hand, and with conviction he continued, “they’re only dead if you choose to forget them— if you choose to ignore them,” he moved her hands with his towards his face, and Hana can feel the warmth emit off of him, “Hana they gave up their life so that others may live— so that Hana Song the greatest soldier can live.” 

Lucio smiled.

“Look Hana, I know how hard it is to have someone leave you after how long you’ve known them,” Hana didn’t know Lucio as much as he knew her, “but it can make you stronger, y’know?” Hana didn’t know what he had gone through, “You can learn from it, and maybe next time, you can do better,” Hana wished she was there for him the same way he was there for her. 

“You don’t have to win every battle, you can’t always save everyone,” he let go of her hands, “its okay to lose, alright?” And Hana found herself wanting those hands back— the hands that held her when she was afraid she would break— the hands that kept her from wanting to tear herself apart— the hands that kept her safe. She took his hands into her own, looking down in shame, she finally spoke, “…thank you.”

“Hey, _querida_ , chin up,” as he lifted a finger so that Hana could see his small yet so gentle smile, “you don’t want that crown falling.” She found herself playfully pushing his hands away, “Lu you’ve ruined the mood!” “Hey! Don’t push me away! I helped you and I get treated like this?”

Hana found herself laughing— the kind of laugh that felt just _so right to do_ , a laugh that Lucio _knew_ that Hana would be alright (even if it were just for a while). Lucio went to go grab the guitar that had laid beside her bed, “Since you fell asleep in the middle of my song, let me continue to _serenade_ you,” and gave a playful wink. 

Hana laughed once more, as she began to listen to the mellifluous tune, the song not dancing just a waltz— but a ballroom dance as elegant as the dance she saw Reinhardt do with his Rocket Hammer, the song wasn’t just something ever so soothing— it was _more_ than soothing as it touched the heart that she would forget she had, and they were no longer just sweet nothings that she had heard— but sweet nothings that would forever resonante in her memories. It was almost as if someone were hugging her. It was almost as if _he_ was hugging her.

 

_(“Por isso eu sinto e sei que te vou esquecer_

_Que desta vez irei dizer_

_Eu primeiro_

_Virar a página é querer rasgar as cartas que eu te escrevi_

_Sei que vou sair e viver sem ti…”)_

 

They didn’t need the sleep they longed for— they didn’t need the sleep that would keep them wide awake for the upcoming debriefing or missions that would surely come to be— they didn’t need the sleep that allowed them to fully function to it’s fullest— they only need each other.


End file.
